


He's not the man he thinks he is

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drinking, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Loss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 07:49:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6795439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If there is anything that Dean Winchester has learned it's that life can change in a heartbeat...things aren't always what they seem...and that sometimes other people know you better than you know yourself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He's not the man he thinks he is

Sam felt the blood before he saw the first drop land on the open book resting on the table in front of him. He didn't know which was worse. Possibly ruining the book from the Men of Letters library...or his brother Dean seeing that he had a nosebleed. If Dean knew about the headaches and the nosebleeds...he would start asking questions...questions that Sam couldn't answer. 

The book was beyond saving when the second drop fell. Sam closed it with a weary sigh and grabbed a tissue. Once he'd done more research and had a better understanding of what was really going on he'd talk to Dean...but for now it was just easier to avoid it.

"So what is it that you do over here all day?"

Sam shoved the tissue into his pocket when he heard his brother behind him. "Oh...mostly just cataloging. Fact checking."

"Wow...exciting stuff man " Dean said as he clapped Sam on the shoulder and walked away. Sam was just relieved that he'd closed the book in time.

"Let's go do something tonight Sammy. Go catch a movie. Anything."

A case hadn't hit their radar in weeks. Dean was getting restless.

"Sure Dean. Yeah...a movie sounds great. Listen...have you talked to Cas?"

"Not recently...why? Do we need him?" Dean was hoping that maybe Sam had caught wind of something...a job. A hunt. Something to get him back out doing what he did best. The longer he waited...the more likely he was to turn inwards and be forced to face his internal demons. He was always afraid of what he'd find. He needed a distraction. Ironically...hunting kept the demons at bay.

"No...I was just asking. I just...uh...haven't seen him for awhile. I never know if that's a good thing or a bad thing." Their relationship with Cas had always been intermingled with work. At least his was. Cas and Dean had something else. Another dynamic. Something inexplicable. Sometimes Sam was almost jealous of the bond that they seemed to share. He knew that Dean would always put him first...but Cas filled a void for Dean that nobody seemed to really understand. But...maybe it was a good thing that Cas hadn't been around lately. Cas might catch on to the things that Sam was going through...and Sam didn't have it in him to ask Cas to lie. Not to Dean.

"Call him...see what he's up to." Dean's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Yeah...maybe later. Let's see what movies are playing around here. You're right. We need to get out of this bunker for awhile. Even I'm going a little stir crazy." Sam was sick of research. Sometimes he felt like he was going to go blind staring at the pages day after day. He was making some headway...but he figured that he still had plenty of time.

He let Dean pick some action adventure flick and they headed out. The fresh air seemed to lighten Sam's headache and he was hoping that maybe for one night he could just relax. 

After a mediocre movie followed by a few beers and games of pool at a dive bar...the boys headed back home. Sam was feeling pretty good. Maybe he was reading too much into the headaches and nosebleeds. But in the past they had always come with repercussions. 

When the dizziness started...Sam knew it was time to say something. He just didn't know how. They'd been down this road...or at least one very similar to it more than once...and it never went well. 

\-----------------

Sam and Dean Winchester were the picture of a brotherly co-dependency. Each had sacrificed his own life for the good of the other. They had faced battles that at times seem like a lost cause just to save one another. Sam often wondered how many of these battles were for the sake of the other...and how many were spurred by fear of being left alone. Dean had always been more of a father to him than their own father and Sam didn't remember their mother. When Sam was just a baby...Dean had carried him to safety when their house caught fire. The fire that led to their father's life long search for retribution. Mary Winchester was nothing more than a beautiful woman in pictures and the subject of a few stories. Their father didn't like to talk about her...so Sam never really asked. Sam learned at a young age that it was best not to push his father. Dean had only been four years old when she died...and although he had some memories...they were incomplete and fleeting. Sam kept a picture of her holding him the day he was brought home from the hospital next to a picture of him and Dean as children sitting on the back of their father's black 1967 Impala. That car was Dean's baby now...but it had been their home for many years. Besides a picture of him and Dean with Bobby Singer...an uncle who later became like a surrogate father...those were the only family photos that he had. He knew that he had pictures of their father in a box...but he still resented the man for taking their childhood...so those pictures stayed packed away. Their father had died...sacrificing his own life for Dean's years ago...and that was another complicated relationship. Both of the boys felt that their father loved the other more. Sam had been riddled with guilt when he left home at 18 for college. He abandoned Dean...and he knew it. Dean...in turn...felt guilty for showing up at Stanford four years later to ask Sam for help. When Sam returned to school after what he thought was a quick case...his college sweetheart was killed in the same grisly way as their mother. Sam never went back to school. He went on to live the life that John Winchester always expected his boys to live. He went on to seek his own retribution. Dean didn't get a 4 year reprieve...and because of that...Dean didn't know how to be alone. Not for very long. At one point he even tried being a family man...only because Sam had asked him to...but that didn't suit him either. This life...a hunter's life was all he'd ever known. Sam wanted more for his brother...but he knew that this was the way that Dean would always live...and the way that Dean would die. Scary things...the things of horror stories and the ones that went bump in the night...hunting and killing them was the only thing that was a source of pride for Dean. That's what brought Dean any sense of self worth. He wasn't just a hunter...he was the best there is. People knew the Winchester name. Demons and angels knew the Winchester name. That's what brought the angel Castiel into their lives. Castiel had been sent to retrieve Dean's soul. He brought Dean back from hell. Dean had sold his soul to a crossroads demon in order to save Sam's life. That was their pattern. Fighting and sacrificing. Sam was booksmart...but Dean had the natural instinct...and as reckless as he was...he was usually right. They made the perfect team...when things were going right. Sam's intention now was to catalog the cases they had worked...the things that they had seen and fought. That information belonged in the library alongside the books of the Men of Letters. They were legacies...and he wanted to pass that legacy down. To whom? He didn't know. But he always felt that as long as Castiel was around...he would protect the information. He knew how important it was to Sam...and he would do it because Sam was Dean's brother. Cas would do anything for Dean. Sam had given up on trying to figure it out. Sam just saw that Cas was able to bring something out in Dean that nobody else could. Cas calmed him. Cas had complete faith in Dean. Sam wished he could say the same...but it wouldn't be true. Cas gave Dean things that nobody else ever had...or could. All Sam knew for sure was that Dean needed Cas...whether he realized it or not.

\------------------

Sam had nightmares that night. When you've spent most of your life hunting and killing the things that he had...nightmares were hard to come by. He dreamt of the yellow eyed demon who had killed their mother and his beloved Jess. He dreamt of Dean being afraid of him...looking at him like he was a freak. He dreamt of being covered in the blood of a hell hound. He dreamt of how desperately he wanted to be normal...

He woke up with a start...mild pains in his chest and his breath heavy and labored. He could feel the familiar headache coming on. He had gotten so used to them...he hardly noticed them anymore. He could smell the faint scent of coffee brewing and when he looked at the clock he realized how long he had slept. He got out of bed but had to place his hand on the wall to steady himself against the wave of diziness. He got his bearings and left the room to follow the smell of coffee. He knew that Dean would ask why he'd slept for so long...he was usually the early riser. He couldn't tell his brother about the nightmares that had plagued him all night. As he stumbled his way down the hallway towards the kitchen he heard Dean, "Man...if you're going for beauty sleep...it isn't working."

"Ha ha funny guy.." he responded as he poured himself a mug and sank heavily into a chair at the table.

"So look who made an appearance and woke me up early making all kinds of noise?"

Sam heard the familiar gravely voice, "I was trying to make coffee Dean. It seemed like the polite thing to do." Sam turned his head and saw the tan trenchcoat out of the corner of his eye. "Oh...hey Cas." He was torn. He didn't want Cas to figure him out...to give him that look. He knew that Cas would never say anything in front of Dean...but he still needed to deal with this alone for the time being. But Cas was his friend...and he was happy to see him.

"So ask and he shall receive...right Sammy." Dean then turned to Cas "The boy wonder here was talking about you last night."

"Oh...is that right Sam? Did you need something?" Cas sounded concerned.

"No...no. We just hadn't heard from you in awhile."

"Aw Cas...look at that...Sammy cares. Great hallmark moment guys. I'm going to go watch some football. Don't even care who's playing" Dean's voice trailed off as he left the room. Cas was right on his heels. "Dean...you told me that you would explain this football thing that you..." And Sam was left alone in the kitchen. 

Before he started the shower...Sam looked in the mirror. Dean was right about the beauty sleep...but other than the bags under his eyes brought on by the lack of sleep...he looked the same. He was happy that Cas showed up. He would distract Dean. Especially if Dean had to explain football to him. Cas could be clueless when it came to general human nature...and Dean was impatient. They would be fighting like an old married couple within the first hour.

\---------------------

"I don't understand...you said they had to move the ball forward 10 yards...but the man wearing the striped shirt blew his whistle and now they have to move it 25 yards?"

"It's a personal foul Cas. See...see right there in the replay? He grabbed the other players face mask." Dean was already frustrated. He usually ended up regretting his decision to show Cas why he enjoyed the things he did.

Sam could hear the exasperation in Dean's voice when he walked in the room. He smiled to himself because he knew that as irritated as he got...Dean enjoyed teaching Cas. With Cas he had an enraptured audience of one. Cas wouldn't get bored and walk away. He would spend the next few hours sitting with Dean bombarding him with questions.

"Ah...halftime! I need to make a beer run. Sammy...do you want anything?"

"Nah..I'm good...but thanks." Sam called back from his spot surrounded by books...stacks higher than they were yesterday.

"Dean...I could go..."

"No Cas. You are not coming with me. I'd like to go 20 minutes without you asking me a question."

Sam just chuckled...old married couple. At least Cas wouldn't get offended. Sam heard the bunker door shut and saw Cas move towards his table.

"Hello Sam. Are you still cataloging?" 

"Yeah...I am. Hey Cas...can I ask you a question?"

"Anything Sam."

"Okay...so you know how important this is to me. It's my legacy...but I have no one to hand it down to. With you being immortal...usually...I could pass it to you. I mean...if you'd be willing to."

Cas sighed..."It's refreshing to have someone understand my immortality. Dean can't seem to wrap his head around it."

"No...Dean just can't wrap his head around mortality. How many times have we escaped death? But anyway...that's not the issue here. I just wanted to know that no matter what happens...you'll keep an eye on this stuff. It's going to take years to finish. I'd hate to think that someday somebody just closes that door and all of this is lost to the world...again."

"Of course Sam. If it is important to you...then it is important to me."

Sam knew that what Cas really meant is that if it was important to Sam...then it was important to Dean...and Cas would do anything for Dean. But none of that mattered.

They heard the bunker door. "Ah...great. You're helping Sam. Then I'll just be in here watching the second half."

Cas walked away from Sam, "But Dean...you're not done explaining to me how..."

"Ugh...fine." Dean interrupted. "But you're going to sit your angel ass down and pay attention."

Dean had a hard time saying no to Cas.

\--------------------

That night...by pure accident Dean caught wind of a case. A news article about some suspicious disappearances just a few towns over. It looked pretty simple...a djinn. They'd tangled with them before and knew that chances were it would be a quick job. Sam could see how restless Dean was...so they started packing up.

Cas watched Dean pack. He wanted to go...but they never took him on simple hunts. They'd tried it before...it never went well. Now they only involved him if things turned ugly or if the case was of cataclysmic proportions. He didn't want to stay in the bunker and wait...he figured he'd just take off and check on a few things. He had a tendency to ignore his angelic committments when he was with the Winchesters. That's why he wasn't given orders from upstairs anymore...but he was still expected to tune in to Angel Radio just in case one of his brothers or sisters needed any help.

"Okay Cas" Dean said as he checked the trunk of the car to make sure they had everything they needed. "Two things while we're gone...learn how to make coffee quietly and learn about American football. Got it?" Cas just nodded. He knew that Dean was teasing...but they both knew that he would do it anyway. Anything for Dean.

"Alright...Sammy you good?"

"I'm good."

The Impala pulled away from the bunker and headed down the road...leaving Cas behind in a trail of dust.

\--------------------

Dean was right. It was an open and shut case. They tracked it and ganked the djinn with no problem.

"Man...what happened? That thing barely put up a fight. I don't have a scratch on me. And I ganked the ugly fucker." Dean said with a concerned look.

Sam rubbed his face and looked at his hand. Blood...and a lot of it. "I guess I got hit at some point. I don't know...adrenaline must have pumped me up so I didn't feel it."

"Well...you better not bleed in the car...let's go."

They got back to the bunker late...but Dean was still full of testosterone and wired. He grabbed a beer for each of them and gave Sam a confused look when he sat at his work table.

"Dude...I know you're keeping track of our hunts...but that one didn't even crack the top 40."

"Oh...I know...it's not that. I just remembered something I had to look up. Wanted to get it done before I forgot." and Sam started writing in his notebook.

"Well...I guess that means I get the first shower. Get some beauty sleep."

Sam watched his brother's back until he was out of sight and went back to writing.

\--------------------

When Dean woke up...he couldn't smell the coffee. Obviously Cas hadn't come back and Sam must still be asleep. He walked into the kitchen and started it brewing. He went to check on Sam. His room was still pretty dark when Dean opened the door...but he could see Sam laying on his bed. He shut the door quietly and went back to the kitchen. 

A few cups of coffee later...Dean started to wonder what in the hell was going on. He went back to Sam's room and flipped on the light...fully expecting Sam to cuss him out. But he didn't. Sam was laying on the top of his covers...still wearing the clothes from the night before...the pillow stained from the blood that had run out of his nose and across his face.

"Sammy? Sammy! SAMMY!" Dean called...afraid to cross the room. The tears were already welling up when he got to Sam's bed. Dean's hand was trembling when he reached out to touch his brother's face. It was cold. Sam was cold...his skin mottled purple and gray. "No no no no...Sammy no! You are not doing this! You are not leaving!" Dean cried as he fell on the floor next to his brother's bed. He was gasping for air...his chest hurt. He reached out and shook Sam's body, "DAMNIT SAMMY NO!" he wailed. He sat with his head between his knees trying to breathe...telling himself that this wasn't real...willing himself to still be asleep so that this could be nothing more than a nightmare. He lifted his head...and through watery eyes he saw paper on Sam's nightstand. A letter. A letter with his name on it.

"Dean,  
As hard as it is for you to read this...it is damn near impossible to write. I need to start by telling you to stop. Please...for me...try to move past everything that you are feeling right now and accept that I am gone. No single sided deals...no spells...no going to the ends of the earth. I'm gone Dean...and I can't come back. I've known for awhile...but I didn't say anything because I didn't want this hanging over our heads. We both knew that this day would come...that one of us would have to go. I always thought I would go in a tragic heroic way...I never thought that my body would turn on itself. I'm pretty sure that it was a tumor. I'm sorry Dean. I'm sorry that you are left to fight alone. I can't come back from this. But you have Cas. I know that he can't replace me...I don't want him to. But he's there. You have him. You always have and you always will. Please Dean...turn to him...not the alcohol or the fights. As my last wish I am begging you not to self destruct. You are better than that. You are worth more than that. I know you don't believe it...but I've seen it in you my entire life. You've been more than a brother to me. You were the father I should have had. I became the man I was because of you. I owe it all to you. I've never blamed you for anything. Stanford...Jess. We both know that was destined to happen. But you were there to help see me through the worst of it. You've always been there. We have fought and won fights that most people wouldn't believe...wouldn't understand. I was only able to do it because you were by my side. There was no way to win this last fight. You've always told me that nobody came before me...I always knew that. Now it's time for you to let Cas see you through the worst of this. Don't ever feel weak for needing him. Dean...I'm so sorry...but I'm proud of us.

Your brother,  
Sam"

Dean pounded his fists on the floor "No...Sammy no" he whispered between sobs "Not like this...not like this. It should have been me. I was supposed to go first..." 

\--------------------

Cas felt it. His chest hurt...he couldn't breathe. He reached in his pocket for his phone. Dean...he had to call Dean...something was wrong. Instead of his phone he found a folded piece of paper. He recognized the neat cramped handwriting.

"Cas,  
If you are reading this it's because I am gone. My time is up...I've known that this day was coming for awhile. I've made peace with it. I need you to know how much you've meant to me. You are like a brother. You brought Dean back and I can never thank you enough for that. You have fought beside us...healed us...and bled for us. You turned your back on your family for us. I can't imagine looking back on the last few years of my life without seeing you in it. Dean is going to need you now more than ever. You are all he has. I know that your love for him runs deep...as does his love for you. He may not even realize it Cas...but it's there. It's in his eyes when you talk to him...his smile when he sees you. I know him...I know him better than anyone and I know how much you mean to him. He's going to try to fix this...but he can't. I know that it's a lot to ask...but please take care of him. Watch out for him. Be patient with him. Hold him when he needs it...and even when he doesn't. Try to help him see that he can put one foot in front of the other without me. He needs to know that I didn't leave him alone...I left him with you. It's going to be rough. He is going to try to drink himself numb. He'll try to use the alcohol...women...and fights to distract from the pain. He is going to try to self destruct. He will say that he has no reason to go on..but I trust you Cas. I know that you are the only one who can see him through this. I've attached a list of things that need to be done. Please...try to make Dean understand them. I don't know what else there is to say. Thank you just isn't enough.

Sam"

Cas folded the paper and put it back into his pocket. Sam was...gone. And now Dean was alone. He made it to the bunker in time to see Dean pounding his fists on the floor and quietly mumbling in pain.

\--------------------

Dean felt Cas before he heard him or saw him. He turned his head towards the doorway and with tears streaming down his face he quietly said, "He's gone Cas. Sammy's gone."

Cas sat on the floor and put his arms around Dean, "I know Dean...I know he is."

They sat like that for hours.

Cas finally convinced Dean to get up and leave the room. He almost had to carry him as he quietly pulled the door shut behind them. Sam has specifically asked him not to let Dean drink himself numb...but Cas knew that would be his only hope in getting Dean to calm down. At least right now. He got Dean to the couch and handed him the glass. Dean could barely hold it in his shaking hands. 

"This isn't real. I know this isn't real. It's a nightmare. I'll wake up soon because you'll be fumbling around the kitchen trying to make me coffee and he'll..." Dean's voice quietly trailed off. He turned to Cas with red swollen eyes and said, "but we can fix this...right? We've always been able to fix these things..."

"Dean..."

Dean dropped his glass back on the table and stood up, "Don't tell me that we can't fix this Cas" his voice growing louder...his face turning red.

"Dean...not only is it impossible to fix...Sam doesn't want us to."

"But I can't...I don't know how...how am I supposed to..." Dean choked...his entire body shaking. Everything around him faded. He didn't even feel it when Cas caught him in his arms.

Cas left Dean asleep on the couch and went outside with the list of instructions Sam had left for him. He needed to find wood. He needed to build Sam's funeral pyre.

\------------------

When Dean woke up...he saw Cas sitting across from him...his hands and trenchcoat dirty from the woods.

"Cas...what have you been doing?" Dean asked in a daze.

"I was finding logs Dean."

"No Cas...no. We are not doing that. No. We're going to fix this."

"Dean...Sam was very specific in what he wants. This can't be fixed...and no more than three days before..."

Dean just shook his head, "Sam was specific? Logs? Three days? What in the hell are you talking about?"

Cas locked eyes with Dean, "I got a letter too Dean" he said quietly. "Sam left me some instructions. I found it in my pocket this morning."

"He left you a letter? How?"

"I don't know Dean...but it was his handwriting and it was very specific. I need to honor his wishes."

"What about my wishes?" Dean asked...quietly crying again.

"Dean...your wish is the same as mine. But even if we tried to fix this. To...bring him back...we can't. It's impossible. He accepted his fate."

\---------------------

Dean spent three days on the couch. He didn't eat...he didn't drink...he didn't shower. He knew what Cas was doing outside but he was still wrapped in the last remnants of denial. He knew that this was day three. The day that Sam wanted his funeral. Dean hadn't even been down to his bedroom since that first morning. He didn't want to see what was in there again. He was still haunted by what he saw that first morning. He knew that he always would be.

"Dean?" Cas quietly said from the doorway, "it's time."

Dean desperately wanted to stop him...but he wasn't going to try. This is what Sam wanted. It had always been about what Dean wanted...but not this time. This time was different. "Go ahead Cas" his voice was deep and ragged from all of the crying. "I can't..."

"I understand Dean"

When he heard the door shut behind Cas he visibly flinched. This was it. The final goodbye.

Cas didn't hear Dean walk up behind him as he started to light the match. "No Cas...I need to do this" as he stepped forward and lit the pyre. He didn't cry...he didn't move...he just stood and stared until it was nothing but ash. He rubbed his hands up his face and turned to Cas "Thank you" he whispered before he walked back into the bunker.

\--------------------

Cas did what he could to try to help Dean. He tried to convince him to eat or sleep. Dean just sat on the couch staring at the television set that wasn't even on. Cas cleaned up the books and papers from the table...he noticed that most of the volumes were medical books. He put Sam's things into Sam's room and kept the door shut. He didn't know what else to do. Dean was finally starting to accept it...but he still hadn't tried to put one foot in front of the other.

Cas tried making coffee every morning for Dean...but by evening he ended up pouring out the entire pot and washing it to be used again the next morning. 

Cas would come and go. He would go to the store for food...that sat untouched until Cas had to throw it away. He was trying to think of anything that might help Dean. He came back to the bunker after a pointless exercise of buying more food...hoping that Dean would eat. Dean wasn't on the couch so Cas panicked. He searched the bunker until he heard the shower. The water shut off and he could hear Dean moving around in the bathroom. He walked away...hoping that Dean was finally putting that one foot in front of the other. He sat down in the kitchen and tried to read the newspaper as he listened for Dean. He finally padded barefoot into the kitchen...hair still wet from the shower...and grabbed a beer out of the fridge. He sat across the table from Cas and reached out to push the newspaper down so that he could see Cas's face.

"Long time no see..." Dean said quietly.

"I've been here Dean...I've just been trying to..."

"Stay out of my way and leave me alone." Dean finished for him. "Thank you for that Cas. Thank you for everything."

They sat in silence...Cas watching Dean drink. He wanted to say so many things...ask so many questions...but he didn't know how to start the conversation. "Well" Dean said as he stood up and threw his bottle away, "I'm going to go out for a drive. Fresh air...loud music. I'll be back in a little while."

Cas was surprised. He opened his mouth to say something...but closed it. He was supposed to help Dean...not babysit him. He had to trust that Dean knew what he was doing. Dean had put his shoes on and grabbed his jacket before he headed up the stairs. "See you in a bit Cas" he said with a forced smile and let the door slam behind him. 

Cas waited nervously. He tried to stay busy...he picked up Dean's clothes and towel from the bathroom floor...he folded up the blanket on the couch...he even tried to watch TV...but mostly he just watched the minutes tick by on the clock. He could go find him if he wanted to...but he wouldn't. Sam asked him to help Dean...not follow him. 

Minutes turned to hours while Cas just sat. Finally he heard Dean pull up outside and cut the engine. Cas turned and looked as he stumbled in. Clearly he was drunk. He was not supposed to let this happen. "Dean...you've been drinking..."

"Got thirsty while I was driving around. Decided to make a pit stop. Hustled a couple of hundred playing pool. All in all I'd say a pretty successful night. What about you Cas? Did you do anything fun? Oh...wait...angels don't ever do anything fun." Dean dropped his jacket over the back of a chair and started walking down the hallway towards his bed for the first time in weeks "but hey...keep up that morning coffee shit. I'm gonna need it." And Cas heard Dean's bedroom door shut.

Cas watched Dean sleep that night. He tossed and turned. Cried in his sleep. Asked for Sam. Cas could only take so much before he had to leave. He made coffee and then went outside. He walked through the woods...avoiding where they had held Sam's funeral. He was doing this all wrong. He was messing this all up. The worst part was...he was an angel...he should have the answers. All he could hope was that maybe this was a one time thing. Maybe Dean just needed to get it out of his system.

That wasn't the case...

\-------------------

Dean went out every night and came home drunk. Sometimes he'd won money hustling pool...sometimes he'd lost money. He'd come home with black eyes and split lips. And then he just quit coming home for days at a time. When he was there...he didn't even acknowledge Cas. Cas was lost...he didn't know how to help Dean...and Dean didn't seem to want his help. Cas finally decided to just confront him. 

He caught him in his room getting changed to go out. "Dean...can we talk?"

Dean turned around "uh...yeah...sure Cas. What's up?"

"Well...all of the drinking and fighting and I'm guessing women...do you really think it's the best way to..."

"To what Cas? Mourn my dead brother? Sitting here sober doing nothing isn't going to help. It's not going to bring Sam back. I'm not about to go hunt alone. What am I supposed to do? Follow you around on your nature walks?" Dean was getting nasty...mean. 

"No Dean...I just think there are better ways..."

"What are you? My mother? No...wait she's dead too. So is my dad...Bobby. Yup...that's my entire family Cas. And they're all fucking dead. So tell me...what are these better ways? Because I'm certainly open to suggestions? Got nothing? That's what I thought." He shoved past Cas out into the hallway "don't wait up." he yelled as he walked away.

Sam had been right. Dean was self destructing. 

Cas tried again...and again Dean just got angry. The third time Cas decided to try and calmly talk about Sam's wishes...Dean exploded.

"What? Like he's somewhere watching over me? If he was upstairs I'm guessing that you would know about it and would have told me by now. No call from Crowley so looks like downstairs isn't an option either. And purgatory? Maybe..but I doubt it. Oh...I know...you can feed me that 'stuck in the veil' bullshit. He's fucking gone Cas. Gone. He left a goodbye letter and how-to manual for a hunters funeral. I'm not going to say that he doesn't care. I know he does...did. But hey...I'm still alive. Last man standing. I might as well finish out my days doing whatever the fuck I want...and sitting with a mopey angel all night is not exactly on my bucket list. You don't want to watch it? Don't. There is nothing holding you here. I'm a pathetic drunk...and I'm perfectly fine with it." and again...he left.

Cas's heart was torn. He started spending less time at the bunker. He couldn't help Dean. He tried...and every time Dean got more angry. This man wasn't Dean anymore.

\------------------

Cas showed up at the bunker one night...surprised to see the Impala parked out front. He found Dean wandering around looking at the bookshelves with a drink in his hand. They hadn't spoken in weeks.

"Hello Dean"

"Aw look...it's Castiel the angel coming to check up on the pathetic drunk hunter Dean Winchester. Haven't seen you for awhile. How are things in the angelic world? Any word from my brother? He make it upstairs?" 

"No Dean...I have not heard anything about Sam. I want to talk about you. The drinking...the fighting....the women. You need to take a step back and look at what you're doing to yourself."

Dean turned and stood with his arms crossed...leaning against the wall..the drink still in his hand. He stared at Cas with glossy eyes. "Drinking...fighting...and women eh? You have a problem with my drinking...fighting...and womanizing? And why is that Cas?" He slowly pushed himself away from the wall and walked around the table. Cas stood perfectly still...rooted in place as Dean walked towards him. Dean was at his most dangerous right now. Cas didn't turn around when he heard Dean behind him. "The fighting...I get that. And the drinking...okay...maybe that one too" he whispered in Cas's ear as he slammed his glass down on the table in front of them. "But the women...now that just doesn't make sense to me." Dean grabbed the collar of Cas's trenchcoat from behind...pulling it down his arms and dropping it on the floor with his suit jacket. "So what...all of those nights when you watched me sleep...what were you thinking about Cas?" Dean reached around and started fumbling with Cas's belt buckle. "Hhhmmmmm?" he whispered when he got Cas's belt undone. With his other hand he pushed Cas down against the table and started playing with the button on Cas's pants. "Hhhmmmmm Cas? Is this what you were thinking about? Is this what you wanted all of those nights?" 

He had Cas's zipper half way down when Cas quietly said, "Dean...I'm not going to stop you if this is what you think you need to do right now..." Dean let go of him and stumbled backwards against the wall. He slid down it until he was sitting on the floor. "The womanizing Dean..." he heard Cas...but couldn't bring himself to lift his head and look at him, "I brought it up because Sam asked me to. He asked me to protect you from yourself. And all of those nights that I watched you sleep? I was just trying to figure out how to make it peaceful. Every human...every being that I have ever watched sleep was peaceful at some point. But you've always been tormented. Always. So I spent night after night watching you...wishing that I could find a way to bring you peace." Dean heard Cas fix his belt...pick up his coat...and walk out of the room. 

"Cas" he cried out, "Cas I'm..." The slamming of a door cut him off. "I'm sorry Cas...so sorry..." he quietly cried. He had just lost the last person who cared about him. Dean couldn't remember hating himself any more than he did in that moment. Sam was gone...and now he'd pushed Cas away. He cried until the drunken exhaustion took over and he passed out. 

\--------------------

He woke up hours later in his bed. Confused and hung over he just hoped that last night was nothing more than a nightmare. When he walked in and saw his glass still sitting half empty on the table he knew it was real. He knew what he'd done. He knew that he was becoming a monster. He picked up the glass and threw it against the wall. He was becoming unhinged. He leaned against the table where just hours ago he had held Cas down. He was broken...broken in a way he'd never been before.

"Sammy" he cried...tears starting to stream down his cheeks, "man...I'm trying...but I fucked up Sammy. I seriously fucked up and I don't know how to fix this..."

"You don't you just move forward."

"Cas?" Dean whispered as he turned around, "I...I'm...I just..."

"Dean...you move on from it. If you had really wanted to hurt me...you would have. You didn't."

"Cas...but I..."

"You didn't Dean. You could have...you didn't."

Dean just stared at Cas, "Why did you come back?" 

"I never left."

"So when I woke up in my room..."

"Yes Dean...that was me. But I didn't stay to watch you sleep."

Dean couldn't stop the tears...he hated himself. "Cas...I am so sorry...so sorry..."

"I know Dean...that's why I didn't leave."

"I'm a mess...I know it...I see it. I look in the mirror and I see a coward. I'm scared Cas...I don't know what to do. I wasn't prepared for this...for any of it. And how do I move on from what I did to you? You are all that I have." He couldn't even look Cas in the eye anymore.

"Dean...you didn't do anything to me. You stopped. There was no way for you to be prepared for this. Sam had his reasons for keeping it to himself. Sam made peace with it. I know that doesn't make things better...but you honored his wishes. You did what he asked. Those aren't the actions of a coward."

"I've never really been alone Cas..." 

"You aren't. I'm here."

Dean finally looked back at Cas and saw the softness in his eyes. He really wasn't angry. He wasn't afraid of Dean. He wasn't going anywhere. "Why haven't you given up on me Cas?"

"You're special to me Dean. I can't give up."

Dean rubbed his hands up his face and looked at the ceiling, "I don't deserve that."

"One day Dean you will realize that you do. One day you will finally sleep peacefully. That's all I want for you." and Cas left the room.

Dean just stood leaning against the table staring up at the ceiling until he smelled coffee. After everything...Cas made him coffee...and he did it quietly.

"I don't know if there are any football games on today...but we can watch another sport if you want. I'll try to keep my questions to a minimum." Cas called from the kitchen.

Dean followed the sound of his voice, "Yeah Cas...that would be great. But ask as many questions as you want. I owe you that much."

"You don't owe me anything Dean..."

\--------------------

Cas figured that beer was acceptable as long as Dean was pairing it with pizza or burgers. Cas was disappointed that football season seemed to be coming to an end just when he was starting to understand it. He knew that there were other sports...but he wasn't sure that Dean had the patience to teach him. Dean was somber most days...but sometimes Cas could get him to smile. He still wouldn't talk about Sam...but Cas wasn't going to push him. He just wanted Dean to know that he was there...with him...no matter what.

"Cas...let's go somewhere. Get out of here for awhile. Maybe a movie? Grab some food? I don't care. Pick something...what do you want to go do?"

This was the first time that Dean had even mentioned leaving the bunker since that drunken night. Cas was always the one to go get whatever Dean needed...and even then he got nervous. He felt like Dean was starting to see a life without Sam in it...it didn't hurt any less...but he was accepting it. He didn't want Dean to backtrack...but he couldn't coddle him forever. "I don't know. Do you think I could make it through a movie without asking questions?"

Dean actually laughed at that...laughed all of the way up to his eyes. "Not a chance in hell...but I don't care. I'm getting used to your questions. What about food? I know that you don't have to eat...but you still can. Is there anything you've wanted to try?"

"Dean...all I've ever eaten is bacon cheeseburgers and pizza and that's only because you insist upon it."

"I've got it! Steak...you have got to try steak. There's this place the next town over...Sammy and I used to always go there. We have got to go. You'll love it. C'mon..." Dean already had his jacket in his hand.

Cas was stunned. That whole statement was a ride from start to finish. Dean was excited. Dean wanted to introduce him to something new. Dean wanted to take him somewhere that he used to go with Sam. "Yeah...sounds great Dean. Let's go."

Dean started the car and turned to look as Cas slid into the passenger seat. All of those drunken nights when he knew he shouldn't be driving he was haunted by the emptiness of that seat. That was Sammy's place. He watched Cas click his seat belt and his breath caught. No...Sam would never sit there again...and that tore him up. But it wasn't empty. Cas was with him. He still didn't fully understand why Cas hadn't given up on him...he was just grateful that he didn't. Dean Winchester wasn't anything special...other than his reputation for being the best hunter out there. But Cas saw something else in him. Cas didn't care about the hunts...how tough he was...Cas just cared about Dean. The Winchester reputation had nothing to do with it. "Alright Cas...rules of the road. Driver picks the music..."

"Shotgun shuts his cake hole. I know the drill."

Dean just smiled and pulled away. He turned down the highway...the opposite direction of the dive bar. He had no inclination to go back. Cas had forgiven him and he was doing what Sam asked. He felt good. He didn't understand how both of them had so much faith in him...but he wouldn't...couldn't let either one of them down again.

\--------------------

Cas leaned back and groaned. "Seriously Dean...how can you eat this much in one sitting." he felt like he might explode.

"Natural talent and years of practice." Dean grinned. "You sure you don't want dessert Cas? I'm buying."

"I think that watching you eat dessert might be enough to put me over the edge."

Dean laughed...his green eyes sparkled. "Sam was always the same way...damn lightweights. But you're right...I should probably watch my girlish figure. Ready to go?"

Dean looked happy legitimately happy. Even when he brought Sam up. Maybe he finally believed Cas when he told him that he wasn't going anywhere.

"Too full for a movie?" Dean asked...interrupting his thoughts.

"I could do a movie. Prepared for a barrage of questions?"

"I always am when I'm with you. Let's go check out what's playing." Dean called over his shoulder as he opened the car door. He had to laugh at how miserable Cas looked. Maybe it was a little mean...but the angel did look funny. "Change of plans...you look ready to heave...and I'm guessing that vessel is anatomically correct enough for you to do so. I say we head back home...throw on some sweats...and see what's on Netflix. I'll even let you decide what we're going to watch."

"That sounds wonderful Dean...but we have a problem. I own one pair of clothes and sweats are not a part of it."

"Ah man...borrow some of mine. You'll never go back to that suit ever again. Comfort over style. Not that your suit is exactly stylish..."

"What?" Cas frowned, "you don't like my suit?"

"Actually" Dean said as he started the engine, "I love your suit...and your unrelenting questions...and you've gotten pretty pro at the coffee thing. But everyone deserves sweats and t-shirts." He pulled out of the parking lot and headed home. Dean hadn't felt this good since Sammy...died. He had to make himself say it. Sam was gone. It was still a punch to the gut...but he was trying to do the things that Sam asked of him. He'd never know if Sam was out there somewhere...watching. But what he did know was that Sam was right. Sometimes he wondered what Sam had written in his letter to Cas. He'd never ask...and he wasn't about to sneak around to find it out. Cas had forgiven him. Cas was with him. Cas wasn't going anywhere...and and thats all he needed. Sometimes he wondered if he was putting too much pressure on Cas...becoming too dependent on him...but then Cas would ask a goofy question or laugh and in that moment he knew that Cas was right where he wanted to be. And Dean needed him there.

After a 20 minute oratory from Cas on the amazing difference between his suit and comfort clothes he grabbed the remote and started flipping through movies. Dean was pretty sure that he'd never get those clothes back.

After multiple moans and groans from Dean regarding his movie choices...Cas relented and let Dean find something to watch. He didn't care what they watched anyway. He knew that this wasn't over...they still had some rough patches ahead. But seeing Dean happy for one night? Right now...that was everything to Cas.

\--------------------

"Uh...Cas?" Dean asked when the movie finally ended.

"Yes Dean."

"Okay...this may be weird...and I would totally understand if you aren't comfortable with it...but would you be willing to...um...maybe come in my room tonight? Just check on me while I'm sleeping?"

They both knew that Cas hadn't been back in Dean's room since the night that he'd carried him in there.

"Of course Dean. But may I ask why?"

Dean was getting uncomfortable...and Cas could see it. But it was a strange request considering...

"I'm mean...I know this has been a rough road. You know that...but you've been by my side for the worst of it. For the first time I almost feel like I'm getting it together. Like I can move forward. But part of me feels guilty as hell for wanting to move forward. It's like I'm leaving Sam behind. And I know...before you say it...this is what Sammy wants for me. I know he does. But it's like survivors guilt...ya know? Anyway...I just want to be 'Dean' again. No...I take that back...I want to be the new and improved Dean. Dean 2.0. I want to do it for all of them. I want to be the man Sammy said he always saw inside of me. I don't want to be that angry reckless asshole any more. So I want to know what goes on in my sleep. I want to get my shit together completely. Tossing and turning...nightmares...I need to try to get through that too. I know it's a lot to ask. You've been everything to me...and you certainly don't owe me anything. I just thought..."

"Of course I will" Cas answered. He would do anything for Dean. "But I won't follow you...I'll wait until I'm sure that you don't know that I'm there and I'll be gone before you wake up."

"Thank you Cas." Dean wanted to say so much more. He still hated himself for the things he'd said and done. He still didn't understand why Cas stayed. But he knew that Cas had saved his life...and Sam had been right...he had Cas and he shouldn't feel weak for needing him.

Dean didn't go to bed right away. He knew that would have been awkward. Instead he sat with Cas on the couch and watched movies until he couldn't keep his eyes open. "Well...I need some sleep. So I'm going to...uh...head to my room. See ya tomorrow?"

"Yes Dean...you'll see me tomorrow." Dean started to walk away. "Dean" Cas called after him. 

"Uh...yeah Cas?"

"Thank you."

"For what Cas?"

"Steak. Sweats...just thank you."

Dean gave him a small smile, "I'm not getting those clothes back...am I?"

Cas smiled back, "not anytime soon. Goodnight Dean."

Dean just turned and continued down the hallway.

\-----------------

Cas waited for awhile before he went to Dean's room. He stood outside of the door until he heard the soft snoring and then he went inside. Dean's sheets and blankets were already a twisted mess. His hair was matted with sweat. His nightmares had already started. Cas watched him for hours while he tossed and turned...cried...called out for Sam...and mumbled apologies to nobody in particular. Cas knew that he could reach out at anytime and touch Dean's forehead...that he could see the images that Dean saw. He could touch Dean's forehead and replace those images with something more pleasant. But he restrained himself. That wasn't going to help Dean...that's not what Dean had asked of him. He finally left just before dawn.

\----------------

Dean finally woke up and stretched. He didn't know if Cas had been there...and he didn't know how to even start that conversation. But he did know that just like every other morning...Cas had made coffee just to make him happy. He didn't deserve Cas...and he knew it.

Dean stumbled into the kitchen and found Cas reading the newspaper. He didn't really understand why. Cas could just tune in to Angel Radio and find out what was going on in the world. Dean didn't know that Cas had turned off Angel Radio the morning that Sam had died. 

"Man I love that you took that quiet coffee thing so seriously. Now you slacked a little on the football thing...but I can overlook that. At least until next season when I have to explain it to you all over again. So what's up in the news today." Dean said as he sat across from Cas.

Cas looked at him over the top of the newspaper relieved that they weren't talking about Dean's nightmares. He didn't know what to make of them yet. He didn't know what to tell Dean. "Wall Street...politics...mass shootings. I really don't understand humans."

"Hey...you and your god squad have politics of your own. And mass smitings? We're not as different as you think. Except for the whole teleport and mind reading thing."

"Dean..." Cas said with exasperation. Dean loved when he could get Cas annoyed. "I cannot read minds. I can sense emotions. It's not the same thing."

"Well...that's good. Because if you'd been able to read my mind for all of these years you'd probably find some x-rated shit that would make even you blush."

Cas couldn't believe how cheerful Dean seemed. After a night like last night how could he just be up and around in a good mood? Had he grown so accustomed to the nightmares that he was able to just shake them off by morning? Or was this all a part of Dean Winchester's tough facade? Either way...it saddened Cas.

"Well...I'm off to shower. I've got big plans today."

"Really?" Cas said with surprise.

"Yup...so far I am planning on doing nothing...and a whole lot of it." he just grinned at Cas and walked away. He got to the bathroom and wondered if Cas realized that he needed to shower because he woke up covered in sweat and tears...just like he did most mornings. He wanted to ask Cas what he'd seen...but maybe it would be best for him to let Cas bring it up. Maybe he shouldn't have asked for his help in the first place. But Cas had watched him sleep before...never by invitation...but he had. So...no harm no foul he figured as he got in the shower.

Once clean he went back into the kitchen. There was Cas...still reading the newspaper...holding a cup of coffee in his hand. Dean knew that he didn't need it...he didn't realize that Cas did it for him. Dean always drank coffee with Sam in the morning. He certainly wasn't trying to replace Sam...but he didn't see anything wrong with some semblance of normalcy. Taking part in Dean's morning ritual.

"So...I noticed that you haven't been taking your nature walks. How about today? Do you want to go...maybe let me tag along?"

Cas was surprised. He used his walks to clear his head...but maybe it would help Dean. It certainly wouldn't hurt. "Of course...but I'm keeping these clothes." Dean just laughed. "I knew you would."

\-----------------

They walked around for hours...Cas just letting Dean ramble...throwing in a quick question here and there. Dean talked a lot about hunting...being raised a hunter. He talked about how sometimes he really resented his father and how he never felt like his father really loved him. He didn't mention Sam...but he talked. 

This became their routine. Cas would watch Dean sleep...they'd go hiking through the woods...and then settle back into the bunker for junk food and TV. Dean never asked about his nightmares...and Cas never brought them up. Over time...Dean started opening up more. He talked about his mother...he talked about Bobby. Cas never pushed Dean to talk about Sam and they had an unspoken understanding that they would never walk past his funeral site. Dean couldn't...not yet. Most of Dean's nightmares were still about Sam. He would cry that he couldn't save him. He would apologize for not being there...for not being a better brother. Cas still had to fight not to touch Dean in his sleep. 

One night...Cas was again standing in the corner watching Dean. It was getting harder and harder to just stand and watch. He suddenly heard Dean cry "Cas...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I'm a monster. How can you still care?" Cas couldn't do it anymore. He thought about leaving...but he couldn't abandon Dean. He went to Dean's bed and knelt down. He softly touched Dean's forehead and caught flashes of that night. He felt Dean's anger and self hatred. He felt Dean's fear. He couldn't replace those images...that's not what Dean wanted...but he reflexively grabbed his hand. At the first touch Dean gripped him tightly. Although he was sleeping...he knew that Cas was there. He pulled Cas towards him crying and repeatedly apologizing. Cas knew that he shouldn't...but he reached out and held him...whispering soft words of assurance until Dean calmed down. Dean slept soundly for the rest of the night. Cas knew that he could bring Dean the peace that he so desperately deserved...but he knew it wasn't right. He couldn't cross that line again.

Dean woke up and stretched...he felt better than he had in a long time. He knew that Cas still came in and watched him...but they still hadn't talked about it. They just stuck with their routine. 

\---------------

Cas found himself going to Dean when he knew he shouldn't. Crossing that line to ease his pain. He knew it was wrong...but Dean meant everything to him. He knew he had to let Dean work through it himself...but Dean was his world. Dean started to change. He started talking about Sam. Sobbing at first until eventually he was able to tell stories that made Cas laugh. Cas found him one morning standing at the funeral site...looking at the remaining ash that had yet to be blown away by the wind. "I know that it's been a few months but sometimes it feels like yesterday...other times it feels like a lifetime ago."

"I know Dean. I feel the same way. I loved Sam too."

Cas hadn't realized that Dean was crying until he turned to face him. "I know you did Cas...and so did he." He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Cas and just sobbed. Cas just held him and whispered softly, "It's okay Dean...you've come so far...it's okay." 

Dean had never let Cas hold him like this before...but it felt so comforting...somehow familiar. He couldn't let go. It was a few days later when he finally realized why.

\--------------------

Dean woke up suddenly and it took a minute for him to realize that Cas had his arms wrapped around him. "Cas?" he whispered sleepily. Cas moved backwards away from the bed. He didn't speak. He just looked at Dean. "So how long has this been going on?" Cas finally found his voice, "I don't know...a couple of weeks."

Dean sat up and rubbed his eyes. "So all of this time that I thought I was getting my head straight...fixing myself and moving forward...it was really you...doing it for me?"

"Dean...I couldn't take watching it anymore..."

"So why didn't you just leave?"

"I couldn't..."

Cas expected Dean to be angry...but he wasn't. His eyes were filled with resignation. "So I'll just always be broken..."

"Dean...you're not broken. You are tormented. I didn't come to you until you cried out for me..."

"I cried out for you?"

Cas realized he'd made a mistake. "You were dreaming about...that night. It still haunts you. You need to let it go."

"I was a monster Cas...I almost hurt the person I care about most. That will always haunt me. Who else do I talk about? Sammy? Bobby? My mother?"

Cas dropped his head...he never wanted this conversation to go this way. He softly whispered, "Yes".

Dean got out of bed...put his clothes on...and pushed past Cas. Cas jumped when he heard the bunker door slam shut. He didn't know what to do. He finally went outside and saw that the Impala was still there. Dean hadn't gone far. He checked Sam's funeral site...Dean wasn't there either. He wasn't going to wander through the woods looking for him so he just went back inside. He knew that what he had done was wrong...and he could only think of one thing that might help fix it.

\-----------------

Dean came back to the bunker and saw Cas sitting on the couch. He wasn't angry with Cas...he just didn't understand. He didn't know what to say...so he just went to his room. On his bed he found a letter:

"Cas,  
If you are reading this it's because I am gone. My time is up...I've known that this day was coming for awhile. I've made peace with it..."

Dean read the entire letter three times. Now he knew what Sam had asked of Cas. He went to find him...still holding the paper in his hand. He sat down on the couch next to Cas and quietly asked, "why did you give this to me?"

"I wanted you to know. I wanted you to understand what Sam had asked of me. Dean...he told me to hold you when you needed it...and even when you didn't. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to do...but I held you."

Dean could feel the tears "So you did it for Sam?"

"No Dean. I did it for you...and selfishly for me. I was wrong...I know that. I just couldn't stand seeing you that way. Leaving the room wouldn't have helped. I'd still know."

"So what do I do with this? I need you...what do I do if someday you leave?"

"Look at me Dean" Cas said softly. When Dean's watery green eyes finally met Cas's soft blue ones Cas said, "I can't leave. I'm immortal. Even if I was mortal...I couldn't. I wouldn't want to. You mean everything to me Dean. I betrayed your trust...and I am sorry for that. But I just want to take away your pain...and that's the only way that I could do so."

"But why Cas?"

"Because you are worth much more than you realize. You can't see what I see. I have touched your soul Dean. Even after all of that time you spent in the pit...I could feel that you were special. I knew at that moment...I could never leave you."

Dean broke down and leaned into Cas. Cas held him and rocked him until the tears subsided. Dean kept his body against him...he felt safe there. "I don't want to rely on you this much Cas. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be weak."

"Dean...you are neither a burden nor weak. Yes...Sam asked me to stay with you...but I would have anyway. And why does relying on me make you weak? I don't care that you're a Winchester. Your kill count doesn't matter to me. That's not how I measure you. You're just 'Dean'. You're cocky and you're a smartass. You're loud and obnoxious. But you're also thoughtful and kind. I wouldn't want you any other way."

Dean lifted his head and looked at Cas, "You really think that I'm obnoxious?"

"On a regular basis."

Dean just smiled and leaned further back against Cas.

\--------------------

Things were different...they both knew it. Dean woke up in the middle of the night and saw Cas standing in the corner of his room. He quietly whispered, "Come here" and Cas silently slipped into the bed and wrapped his arms around him. Dean soon realized that his bed was too small for two so he found another and pushed them together. They never talked about the changes. Dean started talking to Cas at night before he fell asleep. He talked about his parents...his childhood...Sam. Cas just held him and listened. More than once Dean woke up with his head on Cas's chest...their limbs entangled. Cas knew he was awake and would just run his fingers through Dean's hair. Hair that was no longer slick from tormented sweat. Sometimes they laid like that for hours. He felt 'right' with Cas. He didn't have anything to prove. Dean knew that Cas loved him...and that he always had...he always would. They still drank coffee...they still walked through the woods...they still ate junk food and watched movies. Once in awhile they got out of the bunker and did things. Dean didn't like to be away from Cas...and Cas didn't like to be away from Dean. Dean didn't worry about relying on Cas or becoming too dependent. He knew that Cas was right where he wanted to be. He kept both of their letters from Sam together in a drawer. Occasionally he would take them out and read them. He would run his fingers across the words and feel where the pen had left indents on the paper. He realized that Sam was right when he told Cas that Dean loved him too. 

Dean felt almost childlike one night when he tilted his head up towards Cas's in the dark. "Cas...can I ask you a question?"

"Of course you can."

"Do you love me...I mean I know that you love me...but do you.."

"Yes Dean...I do." Cas wrapped his arms tighter and kissed the top of Dean's head.

"Even when I'm obnoxious?"

"Especially when you're obnoxious. Now sleep."

Dean just laid there on Cas's bare chest. He could still feel where Cas kissed him.

\--------------------

The next day Cas found Dean standing outside of Sam's bedroom...just staring at the closed door. "Dean?"

Dean turned and looked at him, "I haven't been in there since..."

"You don't have to Dean..."

"But I want to see his things Cas. I want to look at the things that he saw every day."

Cas had replaced the pillow and cleaned up any other drops of blood he'd found months ago. He'd straightened up the room. He'd left it orderly and neat...just like Sam had always kept it. "Do you want me to..."

Dean reached out and touched the doorknob..."No...I have to do this alone."

"Okay Dean...I'll be here if you need me."

Dean turned and locked eyes with Cas and quietly said, "I know you will" He opened the door...walked in...and turned on the light. Everything was the same...just as Sam had left it. Dean walked around running his fingers across the fine layer of dust that covered all of the furniture. He stood and looked at Sam's clothes neatly hung. He saw the laptop and notebook that Cas had sent on the desk. He sat down on the bed and picked up the pictures. Their mother the day they brought Sam home...and him and Sam sitting on the Impala. Those were the last things that Sam saw. He set them back and stood up. He didn't want to disrupt anything...this was Sam's room. It would always be Sam's room...but maybe now his breath wouldn't catch every time he walked past the door. "Goodnight Sammy" he softly said. "I hope you got your beauty sleep." He shut off the light and quietly closed the door behind him.

Cas looked up at him from his spot on the couch when he walked in. Dean just nodded and Cas opened his arms. Dean didn't cry while Cas held him...he just rested his head against his chest while Cas dropped kisses on the top of it. "Are you okay?" Cas finally asked.

Dean leaned his head back so that he could see Cas's eyes, "Yeah...yeah I think I am. Thank you for...cleaning it."

"I wanted it to be Sam's bedroom...not a tomb. That's where he lived Dean. What you found that morning? That doesn't change what the room is. It's his. It always will be."

Dean leaned up and placed his lips gently on Cas's. "Thank you Cas" he whispered as he rested his head back on Cas's chest. Cas squeezed him tightly while they watched a movie in comfortable silence. 

\-------------------

They were laying in bed...Dean's back against Cas...Cas's arms around him pulling him close. "Cas? Was I out of line? Earlier...on the couch?"

"What do you mean?"

Dean struggled out of Cas's embrace and turned his body towards him. "When I kissed you...was I out of line?"

"Dean...why would you think that?"

"Because of what happened that night..."

"Listen Dean...I'm going to say my piece and then we're never going to talk about this again. That wasn't you. I know it wasn't you. You were long gone and I didn't think that I'd ever get you back...but then you stopped...you heard my voice and you stopped. You could have hurt me...I told you that...but you couldn't bring yourself to do it. When you stepped away from me...I knew that you were back. That's why I didn't leave. Okay? It's done and over...there is no need to even think about it anymore." Cas leaned forward and pressed his lips against Dean's. "You weren't out of line." he whispered...their faces just inches apart.

Dean leaned forward and kissed Cas again. Cas rolled him on his back and bent his head down. Dean grabbed the back of Cas's head and pulled him into a deeper kiss...a longer kiss. Cas parted his lips and allowed Dean's tongue to explore his mouth. Dean pulled Cas closer and wrapped his arms around him...digging his fingers into Cas's back. He wanted Cas as close to him as he could get. Cas rolled on top of him and deepened the kiss...exploring Dean's mouth. He grabbed Dean's hands in his and held them against the pillow above Dean's head while he slipped his body between Dean's legs. He nibbled and sucked on Dean's neck. He could feel Dean growing hard against his hip. He started gently rocking his body and let go of his hands. Dean reached up with one hand and pulled Cas's face to his for a kiss while he pressed his other hand on Cas's lower back and rocked his hips...matching Cas's rhythm. Dean could feel Cas's hard cock against him through his boxers. He wanted to feel him skin against skin...but he didn't want to stop to take his clothes off. He was already so close. Cas let out a moan and Dean started rocking faster...harder. He was holding Cas as close as he could. "Dean...I...." Dean cut him off with a hard kiss. "I know Cas...just let it go..." Cas started to pant in Dean's ear...his entire body shaking. Dean felt the familiar throbbing and knew he was close...he just wanted to get Cas there. "Cas...Cas.." he cried out as he came. He felt Cas's body tense and with one final slide he could feel Cas's come soaking through his boxers and on to his stomach. Cas collapsed on top of him...trying to catch his breath. Dean wrapped his arms around him and trailed his fingers up and down Cas's back...smiling every time Cas shivered. Cas finally rolled off of him onto his back and wiped the sweat off of his face.

"Dean...I..."

"I know Cas" Dean whispered as he reached down for Cas's hand...intertwining their fingers.

They didn't even bother to clean up. They wrapped their arms around each other and soon Dean was softly snoring.

\---------------

Again...things had changed...but it wasn't awkward...and again they didn't talk about it. There was no reason to. Cas would reach for Dean's hand when they walked around the woods...Dean would lay between Cas's legs and rest his head on his chest while they watched TV. At night they would crawl into their bed...some nights they would just hold each other...some nights they wouldn't. 

Dean finally got Cas to crawl in bed naked...Cas was still uncomfortable with nudity and for some reason Dean found that funny. "I don't want to feel your boxers Cas...I want to feel you." Cas just leaned forward and kissed him. He could tell that Dean was needy...ready. He kissed along Dean's neck and jawline but instead of sliding up for a kiss...he slowly slid down Dean's body. He trailed his tongue around one nipple and gently bit down. He smiled when he heard Dean gasp. Dean had already grown hard against him. He kissed and licked his way down Dean's chest and stomach. He grabbed the base of Dean's cock...eliciting another gasp. Cas gently ran his tongue over and head and Dean started writhing beneath him. Cas used his other hand to grab Dean's hip and hold him still. He gently licked the head of Dean's cock again...tasting the pre come. He ran his hand up and down the length...listening to Dean's moans. Finally Cas took the head into his mouth...licking and sucking while still moving his hand back and forth. Dean reached down and wrapped his fingers in Cas's hair. Cas dipped his head and took as much of Dean's cock into his mouth as he could. He swirled his tongue as he moved his head up and down. He could feel Dean growing bigger in his mouth. Dean tried to buck his hips...but Cas still had a hold of him. He sped up his rhythm when he heard Dean start to pant. "Oh god Cas....you're so...I'm going to..." Cas squeezed the base and slid his head down one last time...taking as much of Dean's cock as he could in his mouth and throat. Dean cried out and Cas felt the hot sticky come as he swallowed. He kept gently sucking and licking until he knew that Dean's body couldn't take anymore. He slid back up the bed and laid on his side against Dean...raining kisses on his cheek and neck. 

"Cas?"

"Hhmmm?" Cas answered...his face buried in Dean's neck...still nibbling and kissing. He couldn't get enough of Dean's body.

"You know in the letter that Sam wrote to you...the part where it talks about your love runs deep?"

"Uh huh..." Cas mumbled.

"He was right...about all of it..."

Cas finally lifted his head, "So you..."

"Yes Cas...I do. I'm starting to think that maybe I always have."

Cas just searched for those beautiful green eyes in the dark. "Dean..I..."

Dean stopped him with a kiss, "don't over think it Cas...just let it be what it is..." and he started to doze off.

\-------------------

A few hours later...Cas woke him up. "Dean..." he whispered kissing Dean's ear.

"Mmmmm...yeah...just keep doing that..." Dean sleepily murmured.

"Dean...I want you to make love to me..."

Dean turned his head...trying to find Cas's face in the dark. "But Cas...we already...I mean that I already got mine. And thank you for that by the way."

"I know" Cas whispered, "but I want to feel you..."

"Are you sure Cas? Because I've never actually done...that."

"Then let me be your first."

Dean quietly laughed. "Cas...you've been my first for a lot of things. First man I ever kissed. First man I ever...you get the idea."

"Then let me be the first man you make love to..."

"Are you sure? I mean really sure? I know that you're an angel and all...but that vessel...Mmmmm that vessel...it's perfectly anatomically correct and functioning. If you can feel pleasure...and I know that you can feel pleasure...then you can also feel pain. Chances are...it's going to hurt."

"Are you trying to talk me out of it?"

"Oh god no Cas! I would love to. I want to...more than anything. I just don't want to hurt you."

"So be gentle..."

Dean reached over and searched through his nightstand drawer. He thought he'd put some lube in there at some point. He finally found it. He gently pushed Cas on his back and leaned over him for a kiss. He slid himself between Cas's legs and kissed him again. He sat up and ran his hands up and down Cas's chest. "My beautiful angel..." he whispered. He trailed his fingers down the side of Cas's face and along his neck. He couldn't believe that this angel...this man wanted him. Loved him. "I don't deserve you Cas..." Before Cas could say anything...Dean bent down and gave him a long lingering kiss. He could spend all night just touching and kissing him. But he knew what Cas wanted. He bent down...softly kissed Cas's ear and whispered, "I'll go slow baby...I'll try not to hurt you." He was already hard and ready. He put Cas's legs over his shoulders and leaned down to kiss Cas's neck...just the way he liked it. He poured lube on his fingers and pressed one against Cas. Dean tried to find Cas's eyes in the dark...he knew that Cas was searching for his. He slowly slid his finger in and heard Cas gasp. "Are you okay? We can stop..." Cas slid his body forward. "No Dean...I don't want to stop...I want you." Dean kissed him hard...exploring Cas's mouth with his tongue while he pushed a second finger in and started moving them around. He didn't know if Cas's gasps and whines were from pain or pleasure...but he knew that Cas wanted him. "I really don't deserve you." he whispered again against Cas's mouth. He sat up again and covered his cock with lube. "Tell me if this hurts...we'll stop. I don't want to hurt you." He knew that it was going to hurt no matter what...but he couldn't say no to Cas. He withdrew his fingers and pressed the head of his cock against Cas. He buried himself in one quick slide. He couldn't see Cas's face...but he could tell that he was in pain. He bent down over Cas and whispered. "It's okay baby...I'll go slow. Tell me when your ready." and he gave Cas a gentle kiss. He kissed and nibbled on Cas's neck and shoulders until he felt him relax. "Dean.." Cas whispered. "Okay Cas..." and he started sliding himself slowly back and forth. He'd already come earlier in the night...so he wasn't worried about coming too soon...even though Cas was so tight around him and his body felt so good against Dean's. Dean tilted Cas's hips up higher and started moving faster. He wrapped his hand around Cas's hard cock and stroked it to the same rhythm as his thrusts. "Dean...Dean...right there...just like that..." Cas moaned. Dean kept a steady rhythm...he could feel Cas's cock throbbing as his own orgasm continued to build. He knew he was going to come soon...sooner than he expected. Cas just felt so amazing beneath him. He stroked Cas faster and harder as he was thrusting. He was past the point of no return. He was going to come. Even if he wanted to stop it...he couldn't. He heard Cas cry out and felt him come in his hand just as he thrust one final time and buried himself deep inside of Cas. He had never come like that before. It was so powerful that he felt dizzy. Cas wrapped his legs around him and pulled him down...wiping the sweat from his face. "Are you okay Cas?" Cas ran his hands across Dean's shoulders and back. "I'm more than okay...I'm perfect." Dean gently kissed him and whispered, "You are perfect Cas...absolutely perfect. I love you." Cas smiled in the dark and wrapped his arms around Dean, "I love you too Dean."

\-----------------

They were sitting on opposite ends of the couch facing each other with their legs entangled drinking coffee.

"I like your outfit Cas. So apparently what's mine is yours?"

"Don't change the subject" Cas pouted, "you said you'd teach me to hunt."

"Cas...it's a dangerous ugly world..."

Cas just rolled his eyes, "Seriously Dean? Remember the apocalypse? Oh wait...it never happened. We stopped it. Do you remember what happened to me?"

Dean had to laugh, "Okay...you're right. I'm being overprotective. But regular hunting is a lot different. We've tried that before...it didn't go so well."

"Okay...so we start small..."

And that's when they heard the pounding on the bunker door. "What in the hell?" Dean said, "Nobody even knows that this place exists." He stood up, "stay here...I'll go find out what is going on." He bent down to kiss the top of Cas's head and headed up the stairs. He opened the door and saw a delivery man.

"Winchester?"

"Yeah...I'm Dean Winchester. What's this?"

"I have a letter for you. This place was a bitch to track down. All we were given was coordinates and a delivery date. So if you'll just sign here..."

Dean signed the receipt and was handed the envelope. He shut the door and looked at it. He recognized the cramped neat writing. He just stood and stared at it.

"Dean...what is it? Is everything okay?"

Dean started to walk down the stairs, "it's from Sammy." That's when they both realized that it had been a year to the day since Sam died.

"Do you want to be alone?" Cas asked when Dean sat down next to him.

"No Cas...I want you to read it with me. Please..." Dean was shaken up so he handed the envelope to Cas. Cas opened it and pulled out the papers...papers and ink that were identical to the letters each had received one year ago. 

"Dean and Cas,  
If you aren't sitting together reading this then you might as well throw it away. It's been a year...and I'm guessing probably a crazy one. I'm going to split this letter into three parts...but I want you to both read the entire thing. Cas: I know you Cas. I know how much Dean means to you. I put my trust in you because I know you'll do anything to save him. And I'm guessing that you did. He's a hard headed pain in the ass...but I know that he's worth it. Thank you Cas...thank you for saving him. Thank you for loving him. And thank you for showing him that he deserves love. You are one of a kind Castiel and I have always been honored to call you my friend. Now you have the most important thing in the world. Hold on to him and never let him go. It was you Cas. It was always going to be you. Dean: Okay jerk...how long did it take for you to get your bullshit out of your system? How long did it take for you to look at that angel sitting next to you and see that he truly loves you? Do you see that you're worth it now? Can you see what I saw? What Cas sees when he looks at you? You have always been the most important person in my life. I know that I always came first...but so did you. You were the man that I always wanted to be when I grew up...and if I was half the man that you are...then I was blessed. You deserve it all Dean. Happiness and love. I can only hope that when you look in the mirror you're proud of what you see. And that angel sitting next to you? Just love him. Listen to him. Believe him when he tells you what an incredible man you are...because he's right. He's not blind. What he sees...the things he says...are all true. You are so much more than you ever gave yourself credit for. The thing that always brought me so much pride...so much honor...was that I was Dean Winchester's brother. Just believe in yourself as much as Cas and I believe in you. Okay? And stop telling yourself that you don't deserve him. You deserve every ounce of love and every minute of the day that he gives you. Both of you: I knew from the beginning that you would eventually find your way...that you'd figure out that you belong together. You need each other...there is no shame in that. I would try to give you some words of advice or drop some pearls of wisdom...but I don't need to. You know both the good and the bad. You've seen each other at your best and at your worst. But here you are...both feeling like maybe you don't deserve the other. If two beings were ever meant to be together...it's you. So just love each other. Hold on tight to one another. What you two have is a once in a lifetime thing.

I love you both,  
Sam

P.S. And Dean...I don't care how much he begs...don't try to teach him how to hunt."


End file.
